[top] A Tree In The Woods (5/6/07)
Well, I made it through a whole week without missing a day at work. Yeah! That’s the good thing for the week. Plus, I sold the Tiberon. It’ll take $400 off the monthly bills between the payment and the insurance. That wasn’t fun, but Gene helped me out. Actually he did everything except sign the paper work, so I definitely appreciate the support!
I got
an e-mail from a cousin of mine, Chris. And, he said something which I thought
was very insightful. I’m going to see if he’ll let me post the whole e-mail. But, what
he said was if a tree falls in the woods, the space exposed is suddenly
brightly, almost blindingly, lit. As with many simple and yet thoughtful
things, I am sure what Chris said can have many different meanings. So, all I
can tell you is what I thought when I read it.
If
you’re walking in the forest, you literally may not notice one tree among the
many, because all their branches weave a tapestry over your head. Until they
all seem to blend into one. Not until the tree is gone and the canopy opens up,
can you really define the shape of that one tree. Sometimes, because life is
crazy and busy, the absence of something better shows its impact. It takes
something as dramatic as piercing sunlight through a massive forest to show you
just what that one tree meant. Just what that one person meant to you and to
everyone else. The more I talk to people, the more I realize just how large a
hole in the canopy Mike created.
Hardest
thing 1: Hearing The Who’s “Love Reign Over Me” for the first time since Mike
died. It was always our song. Every time Mike left town to come up here, we’d
turn on the radio and that song would be playing. Literally, I am not making
this up.
Hard
thing 2: Remembering how happy we were when we bought the house. How everything
we had fit right into it. We never had to discuss or even think about where
something should go. It was as if the house was waiting just for us.
Good
Thing: I ran into several people this week who had only just found out about
Mike’s death and wanted to speak with me and express their condolences. While
that can be very sad, but again, realizing how much other people miss him,
helps me. I always take the time to listen to them talk about Mike, even when
it hurts.
[top] Survived The One-month
Anniversary (4/29/07)
I’m not
going to say this was a fun week, but I survived the experience. Tuesday was
pretty bad, and as the evening wore into night, I was feeling lower and lower.
Called my boss at 2 on Wednesday morning to say I wouldn’t be in. I laid in bed
for a couple hours after that, trying to get some sleep. One thing everyone
says (constantly!) is to make sure you don’t forget to take care of yourself.
So, I tried, I really did. But, by the time five ’clock rolled around, I gave
up and went ahead and got out of bed. Needless to say, I wasn’t very with it
the whole day.
I
pulled in and hibernated that day. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I was not
feeling sociable. I don’t really even
remember what I did Wednesday. I’m just glad the day passed. It seemed endless
at the time. Oh well. The plan this week is to go through the whole week
without missing a day.
The
cherry blossom trees finally bloomed on Wednesday! That was wonderful. Not to
mention symbolic of course. When it poured on Friday (?), I figured I’d get
home and the driveway would be littered with the annual pink dandruff fallout.
When the blossoms are done, they drop off and cover the driveway. I have to get
out there with a big broom and sweep, otherwise you can’t get the car out. But,
they survived just fine. I took a number of pictures, to
show why I love this time of year, and why I would hate to leave this house.
Good
thing(s) of the week: I’ve decided to get a dog. Specifically, I’m going with a
Doberman. I’ve found a breeder, and hopefully her bitch, Paige, will be bred in
June, for an October litter. I’m looking for a little girl. The breeder does
have two 8-month old males. She is supposed to send me a couple pics. My only
concern is the size. That is one of the reasons, I was looking for a girl. Oh
well. We’ll see what happens. Second good thing: I’ve gotten a lawyer to draw
up a will, and power of attorney. Not necessarily fun, but necessary.
Hard
thing this week: Realizing how much Mike understood me and wondering if it is
possible to find any other person who will know me, my sense of humor, my
moods, etc.
[top] Another Week Gone By (4/21/07)
Well,
it was funny. After the keyboard started acting up on Monday, I got tired of typing
in all caps and stopped. I wasn’t able to get to sleep for a while that night,
but at least I didn’t feel like there was a huge weight on my chest. Writing
(or maybe it’s just ranting) has always made me feel better. And, I guess now
is no exception.
I
managed to miss only a half day of work this past week. My boss has been very
understanding. Thankfully. Wouldn’t that just be a wonderful thing to have to
deal with on top of everything else? Phew! Missed that one.
Monday
being bad actually ended up over-shadowing the good time I had this past
weekend with Barb and Bobby J. We went to Longwood. Now, if you know me, or
have been a fan of the site, then you know how often Mike and I went to Longwood. I was really worried that
I was going to get to the conservatory and find it all depressing. I mean, I’m
not kidding, I was terrified that the experience would be ruined. Fortunately,
I needn’t have worried. All the plants and living things so beautifully and
carefully arranged is so peaceful.
Maybe
once a quarter or so, they change up the major theme in the conservatory. This
time around it was the Orchid Festival. I was beat down on Tuesday. I worked
the morning, but not the afternoon. Instead, I decided that while updating the
page for Mike has been therapeutic, it has its moments of misery too. So, I
spent the afternoon putting together a slide show for Spring. That was
very relaxing. And, I will take credit for two positive things out of the trip
to Longwood. 1) I got out of the house and walked around for three hours, and
2) the slide show.
Another
hard little piece: getting out of the shower in the morning and there is no
lump under the covers. No one to kiss goodbye on my way out the door. Crap! I
think maybe I’ll go watch the Spring slide show myself.
[top] Today Was/Is A Bad Day (4/16/07)
The
past week since my last writing has been particularly bad, and today is the
worst day so far. I think it may be because up until now, I’ve been busy with
other things. Now, the immediate press of things to do has died down. And, by
that, I mean things to do that directly deal with Mike’s death, like dealing
with the deed to the house, a “spare” car, etc. Not to mention life insurance.
That part has probably sucked the worst of all things. It almost makes me feel
dirty to deal with this. You know, money for death. Makes my stomach hurt just
writing it. I guess I shouldn’t have said almost.
Maybe I
shouldn’t write about this, but what the hell? I’ve always said, I always tell
people exactly how I feel. Sometimes it seems like there is an endless stream
of paper and decisions that have to be made. I have always strived to be practical
in life. Some people have called me “strong” over the years, here and there,
and recently more people have. And, I’ve never been sure what they meant. Just
since I’ve started writing this update, I was thinking maybe its practicality.
I mean,
there are just some things that have to happen, no matter how you feel about a
given situation. And, some of those “practical things” are . . . how to phrase
it . . . very mundane and some how degrading to the people involved. No,
degrading isn’t the right word, but mundane certainly is. For example, here are
some things you have to handle if someone dies. Purchasing a coffin or urn.
Sure, maybe you’ve thought of it, but did you realize that there are catalogs?
I mean one follows the other, but not a thought that ever crossed my mind.
THhHHHH Crap! what is wrong with the keyboard?? I’ve
rebooted twice now??!!! Oh well, if you are reading this, sorry for the all
caps, but the damn keyboard is stuck! And, writing is making me feel better, so
. . . Bills have to be untangled, the deed to the house has to be straightened
out, a will/estate may have to probated, YOU HAVE TO PLAN A SERVICE AND WAKE,
OR WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING TO SAY GOODBYE TO SOMEONE YOU LOVED.
AND, LET ME TELL YOU, THAT’S JUST FUN IN AND OF ITSELF--EVEN
WITH ALL THE HELP I HAD!
[top] More of the Hardest Thing
(4/10/07)
The
last two days have been stressful, but also good. I went back to work on
Monday. Well, I went to the office at least. I was not very productive. But, it
was good to be out of the house and the basement. I’ve been camping out in the
basement a bit more than I intended. But, the problem is all my “work” stuff
was already down here. When I started trying to write thank notes and generally
getting my act together, I was in the basement mostly. And, I still am, because
this was the family room really. But, I’ve been trying to get out every day to
see the sun. Plus, I have been opening the blinds during the day when I am in
the basement, so I get some light. Not as much as I want, but a good amount.
Back in
the office, I sit right by a window and get the sunlight all day. It’s always
been a great cubicle. And, hurray it’s spring! I don’t think I could handle all
this if it was the dead of winter on top of everything else. But, at least the
cherry blossom trees are blooming. All except mine of course. They always bloom
about two weeks after the others in the neighborhood and the business park
where I work. It’s the sunlight of course. They don’t get as much early morning
light as the ones across the street. When I got home, I got out to get the mail
and was talking to the trees. [Don’t tell anyone, I don’t want the men in white
coats to show up!] “Bloom! Bloom! Bloom! C’mon guys, help me out here!” At
least the daffodils are up. So, that’s something.
One of
the little hard pieces . . . pronouns. Nothing like geekhood causing me
problems. When you are used to saying “we”, “us”, and “our”, it’s hard to get used
to saying “I”, “me”, and “mine.” What’s worse is my degree is in Technical
Writing, so I’m an English weenie and I focus on it. It really makes me sad
when it rises to the conscious-level, which it seems to do way, way, way too
many times in any given day. Sigh . . . this sucks.
OK, OK,
OK. Been a hard 24 hours, I won’t lie. I’ve talked for a while to a couple
people, and while the talks themselves were good, they’ve stirred up my
emotions more than I was prepared for. I’m watching Batman Begins, because 1) I
love Batman, and 2) I want to see the good guys win. We’ve all been taking a
few hits recently. Besides, it’s the greatest Batman movie ever made. Tim
Burton’s masterpiece got knocked out of first place as soon as I saw Batman
Begins.
Today’s
good thing . . . hmmm . . . well, I did go to work the last two days, but as I
said that is also therapeutic, so maybe I should think of something else. Ahhh
. . . here it is. I’ve started the update to the website. I think that’s a good
thing. I’m going with it.
[top] The Hardest Thing . . . (4/8/07)
There
is no question that the hardest thing I have ever done, was watching my best
friend die. Mike wasn’t just my husband, we grew up together and grew from high
school infatuation to full-out love. Sounds corny, I know, but it’s true. And,
then, on top of that he was my best friend. I never once planned on him not
being here now. I didn’t think we’d live forever or anything like that, but
right now, at 38? Just didn’t seem likely.
It was
20 years this year. I’m sure that sometime in the future, I’ll remember the 20
years and be only happy. But, not right now. Right now I’m resentful as hell.
It’s not enough. I’ve got siblings older than that! Shit! And, thinking about
some wastes of breath I know of still being around is really irritating. So, I
try to be conscious of being resentful, and I try not to rail too much. Or at
least, I try to keep the bitching and moaning to a reasonable level.
You
know what’s weird? That the hardest thing is comprised of many little hard
pieces. For example, today, it’s only been 16 days since Mike died, and only 20
days since we went to the hospital. Seems like a lot longer because of the
whole crisis time-dilation effect, not to mention plain old grief. Another of
the odd, hard pieces was discovering that Mike didn’t have any clean underwear
when I went to get his clothes ready for the service. It’s funny, I know
because I laughed at myself too. But, still I had that moment when I thought,
had I been a bad wife, by not having clean underwear for him? Silly sure, but
man it stung when it happened.
The
sign by the garage door makes even more sense now. It says, “No whining, No
Sniveling, No Exceptions”. It was intended because it sits over the bill catcher
by the door, but it works now just as well. Or at least I keep telling myself
it does. I do know that if I wallow in misery, I might stay miserable forever,
literally. So, I work on not whining and not sniveling, or at least not too
much. I’m guessing my friends will cut me a break, at least for a while.
I’m
going to start doing something that Mike was working on for the last couple of
months before he died. He was frequently depressed and I used to make him take
a minute to think of at least one good thing about himself or that he had done
every day. Size of deed was unimportant, just, you know, something good about
himself. He had started to write these down in his omnipresent journal (of
course!). It was great for him, and I think was one of the reasons he was
changing his view on life in general.
I
confess, I tried it once or twice, but fell out of the habit. Or, maybe it is
better to say I never developed the habit in the first place. But, I think it’s
a good idea. So, here goes. My one good thing today (OK it was yesterday, but
cut me some slack!), I started outlining a budget. Laugh if you want to, but
I’ve never really done it before, so this is a very good thing for me.
OK,
this piece started out one way, and ended up another direction, but what can I
say? It’s the nature of a Gemini.