Dear Good Samaritan,

Are you aware that there are many people in this world who are less privileged than you?  While I am sure you are very familiar with the starving children in Africa, the displaced people of Western Europe, and the plight of the West Virginia Coal Miners, I would like to take a moment of your time to familiarize you with a lesser known group.  A group almost without advocacy.  A group which is rapidly being banished from normal society.  The group of which I speak are The Clueless.

Ordinary people can live their entire lives without once knowing the heartbreak and humiliation of not having a clue.  Many people are so used to having a clue that they can't even imagine a world without one.  Therefore, they have no sympathy for the agonizing existence endured by the clueless segment of our population.  To experience a taste of cluelessness, try this exercise:

Drive your car to the store and park it.  As you enter the store ask yourself "Why am I here?"  Not in the philosophical sense of "why am I here?" but in the very literal sense of "no really, what am I doing here at the store?"  Then slap yourself in the forehead (hard) and say "Oh right, I meant to go to the bank."  Get back in your car and drive four blocks.  Stop the car and slap yourself on the head (harder this time) and say, "Oh right, my bank has a branch at the store."

Do you see the suffering these poor people must endure?  Chances are, if you know more than 10 people, one of them is clueless.  That's correct.  Statistics show at least one in ten people operate without the benefit of clues.  We are not talking about the merely "absent minded" or "forgetful" or "marginally stupid" here, we are talking about full-blown cluelessness.

"What can I do to help?" you scream, tears streaming down your cheeks.  I'll tell you what.  The average family of five is in possession, at any given time, of at least six or seven clues.  Of these clues, they may use only three or four per day.  We here at the Center for Learning, Understanding and Enlightenment (CLUE) encourage you to donate your unused clues to our new Getting a Clue Foundation.  We will take your clues and redistribute them to the less fortunate, and regrettably, clueless populace.

Thank you for your time, and please, find it in your heart to dig deep and help the clueless.

Sincerely,

Colonel Mustard, ret.