Gateway Tech Support

Once, as a favor to a friend and former employer, I agreed to setup a new computer she had purchased from Gateway. This was many years ago and I was pleased to find that they had simplified the setup process. Everything was color-coded and there was a big guide showing how to connect everything together.

Don’t get me wrong – I know how to assemble a computer. I don’t need instructions of any sort really. Certainly not just to connect the monitor, keyboard, mouse, and speakers to the PC. Hell, I’ve put a computer together from parts on many occasions.

Anyway, I follow their big fold-out sheet of instructions and everything goes well until it comes time to plug in the monitor. Everything was color-coded so you couldn’t really even go wrong. Only thing was, when I grabbed the purple VGA cable connected to the monitor there was no corresponding purple port on the PC to plug it into. I looked everywhere – nothing. I got out my tools and cracked open the PC case to look inside – no VGA card anywhere. Someone at Gateway fucked up and now I needed them to send a VGA card. Simple, right? No fucking way.

When I called Tech Support, I didn’t really have the highest of hopes, but I thought the conversation would go something like this:

Tech Support Guy: “Gateway Tech Support, how can I help you?”

Me: “My client somehow got a computer with no VGA card and I need you to ship me one.”

TSG: “No VGA card, that’s odd, what’s the invoice number?”

Me: “92394823948”

TSG: clickety clackety clickety “Ah, yeah no card was shipped with that unit. However, you weren’t charged so I need a credit card.”

Me: “Here’s the card # and address and thank you very much.”

TSG: “You’re welcome, glad to help.”

Look, I’m no optimist but this was a pretty fucking simple situation. We’ve got a PC, it has no video card so it’s useless. Send me a video card and all is well. End of story. I didn’t expect it to be quick, but I didn’t think it would go where it did.

Here is the actual conversation:

TSG: “Thanks for calling Gateway Tech Support, may I have your invoice number?”

Me: “92394823948”

TSG: “What’s the problem?”

Me: “You guys shipped a computer with no VGA card and I need you to ship me one.”

TSG: “Hold please”

Hold music… I age… The solstice passes

TSG2: “Thanks for calling Gateway Tech Support, may I have your invoice number?”

Me: “It’s still, 92394823948”

TSG2: “What’s the problem?”

Me: “It’s still that you shipped a computer with no VGA card and I need you to ship me one.”

TSG2: “I didn’t ship the computer, it’s not my fault.”

Me: “Okay, okay, Gateway shipped me a computer with no VGA card.”

TSG2: “You’re having a problem with the monitor?”

Me: “Well… Yes, in that there is no VGA card and I can’t plug the monitor in.”

TSG2: “Is the monitor plugged into an electrical outlet?”

Me: “Well… No, I didn’t really bother plugging the monitor into an outlet since I couldn’t connect it to the computer.”

TSG2: “Please plug the monitor into an electrical outlet.”

Me: “Okay, hold on – I don’t like where this is going. This is pretty simple, I just need a VGA card and I’ll even pay for it if necessary.”

TSG2: “I can’t process this complaint if we don’t go through the troubleshooting process. Please plug the monitor into an outlet”

Me: “Ok, look, I’m a computer professional with many years of PC experience, I don’t need to go through the checklist to figure out that you shipped a PC with no fucking VGA card!”

TSG2: “I told you, I didn’t ship it and I can’t process this complaint without going through the checklist so please plug the monitor into an outlet.”

Me: exasperated “Fine, it’s plugged in.”

TSG2: “Ok, turn the monitor on.”

Me: steam building “Fine, it’s on now.”

TSG2: “Is the power light on?”

Me: shaking in anger “Yes.”

TSG2: “What do you see when you look at the monitor?”

Me: (!!) “What do I see? What do I see??? I’ll tell you what I see. I see the reflection of MY ANGRY FACE!!”

TSG2: “What?”

Me: “Fucker, this monitor is not connected to the computer, what the fuck am I supposed to see??!!?! Send me a fucking VGA card!”

TSG2: “Sir” (said as one would say Dick) “ You don’t need to get so upset.”

Me: “Oh yes. Oh yes I do. I need to be this upset. I told you the problem and the solution a half hour ago. You get me a fucking VGA card right fucking now or I swear to Christ I’m going to just drive up the road and buy one at CompUSA, bring it back here, install it, charge my client for the card and the time I’ve spent on the phone with you and tell her that’s the true cost of buying a computer from Gateway.”

TSG2: “Calm down.”

Me: “No.”

TSG2: “Can I get your credit card number.”

Me: “Hold please.”

Now, this happened a long time ago and I may not remember the dialog exactly. I’d like to think I was less harsh but that guy was a dick. I mean, what the fuck? Anyway, I left his ass on hold while I found my client and she got her credit information for him. Fuck Gateway.